Friday, March 14, 2014

It's Punch Yourself In The Throat Day!

Not Necessarily A Self-Portrait

It might not be noted in the fine print of your Costco calendar, but make no mistake, today is Punch Yourself In the Throat Day.  In Canada, it's Fuck Your Neighbors Day (not literally because that would not be very Canadian).  And because Arizona doesn't do a damn thing that the rest of the country does, they're celebrating Kick A Stranger Day.

You know you want to do it.  You know why you want to do it:

Because the giant dog next door broke the fence and was literally hanging by it's collar and your dirty, possibly meth addicted neighbors really don't give a shit.  Now it's tied up all day howling, and crying and it's all you can do not to blow up their lab house.

Because the guy who led your kid down the path of self hatred and self destructive behavior thinks he can simply deliver a disingenuous apology for it and all you really want to do is chew his face off, harvest his organs while he's conscious.

Maybe you loaded two semi-trucks with all of your shit, moved your entire family across the state only to discover that all was not as it seemed. Not even close.

Maybe you're making monthly payments on a student loan for a kid that decided to drop out at the last minute, because who doesn't like setting $120 on fire every month?

Your dog threw up, your uterus won't stop cramping, the lists in your head won't stop growing.

As soon as your feet hit the floor somebody's going to ask you what's for dinner.  Then again at 3:15.  Again at 4:15.  And one more time while you're actually making it.  "It's chicken for the love of God, can't you tell? It looks nothing like steak, or pizza, or meatloaf or anything else but freakin' chicken!"

Somebody, maybe everybody, wants to know where you're going, what time will you be back, are you going to stop to eat, can you bring me back something, can you go someplace else because they only serve Pepsi and I like Coke.

You look at the sleeping, snoring mass that is your husband and repeat to yourself, "Do not superglue his nostrils closed. Do not shove this sock down his throat.  Felonies are bad."

The garbage disposal is jammed, your son got a D on his math test because "new math" is not the same as "old math" and therefore you have no idea in Hell how to help him.

Your teenaged daughter thinks you're an asshole and on this day, you feel the same way about her.

* * * 

For your safety, here are things that you should NOT say on Punch Yourself In The Throat Day:

Suck it up.  Get over it.  Things are not that bad.  This too shall pass.  Tomorrow's another day.  If you think you've got it bad, wait until you hear about my day.  You're crazy.  Did you hear I got a raise and lost 25 pounds by eating cheese and drinking wine?  Oh my God, I'm pregnant!

Here's what you CAN say, "Can you take your boot off my throat now? Please."


  1. I just KNEW today was special... I felt it !

    1. @soserious - today is YOUR day. You know it. You can feel it in your ... throat?

  2. I want a punch someone else in the throat day.I could think of a few that deserve it. Needed this read today. Miss you.

    1. @Austin -- You're in luck. Today is that day, or at least it should be. So far 2014 is a real buzz kill.

  3. Ya no kidding. What a freaking joke.